musings of God's goodness

I attended a seminar recently for work entitled "Overcoming Compassion Fatigue." I've read about and heard talks on this topic in the past, however, hearing them again resonated in a new way with me. This could be due to the fact that lately, I've been more intentional about taking a closer look at who I am compared against who God has created me to be. This hasn't been the easiest process as it has revealed things that I like to keep stuffed down inside me, minimizing their importance and affect on my character. Doing this, however, has brought me more intimacy with God, something that sometimes I don't even realize that I've been missing until I am intentional about spending this kind of time with Him (through prayer, reading His Word, reflection etc). It is only then that my soul can realize how far away I had been from the warmth of His presence and I am once again held closer by His grace.

So, the seminar I attended once again duplicated this theme that has been occurring lately in my mind and heart in regards to taking an inward look at myself and who I am. You see, I have a special heart towards social workers (not just because I am one), particularly those who are out in the field and immerse themselves into people's lives and homes and deal with issues most everyone else ignores. As a social worker, particularly while working in the Families First Program, I was exposed to issues that most people my age have and may never see. Mental illness, domestic violence, court, drug addiction, physical, emotional and sexual abuse, poverty, unfit living conditions, neglect etc. I am not recognizing this out of bitterness because truly, I wouldn't change a thing as I know these experiences have opened my eyes to what breaks the heart of God. However, daily exposure to these issues coupled with a "helping" personality (like most social workers) as well as ethical standards (confidentiality) which limit ones ability to release these feelings and experiences to others can lead to what the speaker of this seminar calls "Secondary Traumatic Stress." Letting this information permeate my core enlightened me to the fact that I have been (truly, we all have in some shape or form) affected by this...with the largest affected areas being my worldview and my understanding of God. I saw so much hurt around me each day and I wanted so badly to help but could only do so little. In some ways, I had to learn (from a professional standpoint, not necessarily a personal) to be okay with mediocrity - in a child's living conditions, with a parent's inability to tell their child what they loved about him/her, with people living in constant "survival mode" with a kind of stress which I will never know, with parents who are so wounded themselves that they know no other way of life and in turn, unintentionally wound their children. These experiences, in many ways, made me become cynical, mistrustful, burdened, overwhelmed, irritable towards society, friends, family, the church. I often put on a happy face but inwardly I didn't always feel this way. Shamefully, I was struggling with the concept of God's goodness in the midst of the ugliness and chaos of people's lives. I remember at one point, while singing the song "You Are Good (All The Time)," at church, I had to stop singing because my heart was questioning if I really believed it.

So, in hearing this seminar, I was reminded that I had been holding on somewhat to this false belief regarding God's goodness. Since realizing this and returning back to spending more deliberate, intimate time with God, I've been more attuned to His truth. There have been moments lately where I feel God impressing this truth into my heart. Hearing a friend speak about the peace she has trusting in God's perfect timing despite facing possible infertility issues; having a friend ensure that God's glory is revealed, even in the face of a disease that will cost him his sight; knowing that a young woman I've known over the last 5 years has chosen life for her unborn child in spite of the voices telling her to choose otherwise; getting a phone call from a former client, telling me she is still drug free and living life to the fullest, being the mom that God created her to be; seeing my nephew walk and take more bites of food after months of perseverance by his parents; being loved by my family; waking up this morning to my daughter's smile. These are all reflections of God's goodness which too often get overshadowed by the darkness of this world. And so, I am learning. I am learning that sometimes the darkness can seem really dark and that what is broken is what breaks the heart of God. I am learning that in spite of these circumstances, God is present. And God is good!

"In all these things, we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

I encourage you to hold on to this truth even when the burdens and darkness of this world seem so strong!

"Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me." Psalm 86:17